What My Pregnancy Journal Means To Me (Guest Post)


Today we hear from Kathryn. A truly emotional story, and one where being able to put pen to paper really helped her through it…

What my pregnancy journal means to me – a personal story of postnatal illness and recovery…

I’ve always been one of life’s note-takers. The girl with multiple notebooks tumbling out her handbag. The one at meetings to always volunteer to take the minutes. Over the years I’ve made countless Christmas card lists, thank you card lists, shopping lists and (more recently) baby name lists. There is something reassuring about seeing words, physically written on paper. Word documents, spreadsheets or even blog posts just are not the same.

So I quite naturally began a journal on the day we found out we were expecting The Boy. The journal highlights the joy of pregnancy, but also the anxiety (particularly the frustration of the last few overdue weeks), and the preparation and organisation by which I approached impending motherhood. I read every baby book going, took copious notes, and listed everything: from the type and quantity of cot bedding to purchase, to any symptoms I was experiencing, to ideas for my birth plan. Here’s my last pregnancy entry, on the day everything started to happen:

Kat Grant pregnancy journal

I read these journal entries now with a wry sadness. I am glad that I got to enjoy my nine months in blissful ignorance of what was to come. Because that same journal, faithfully popped into my hospital bag on the way out the front door, captures quite starkly what happened next.

In the High Dependency Unit, less than 24 hours after a gruelling labour and emergency C section, I was experiencing Postpartum Psychosis. I had no idea who I was, whether the baby next to me was real, who my husband was, or even (more worryingly) who my sister was. Was I real? When did my life begin, or was it all a cruel nightmare? Had the world ended? I had no idea what was going on. And my body’s reaction was to shut down – I became catatonic. Unresponsive. Doctors first had to rule out a massive stroke, before calling in the perinatal psychiatric team. My family were frantic with worry. But eventually there was a flicker of recognition between myself and my husband, and that familiar notebook was passed to me. I managed to scrawl the only thing I trusted to be true:

Kat Grant pregnancy journal 1

(“I’m so sorry I think I’m insane. I love you.”)

I may have lost my mind, but I still knew how to put pen to that paper. And I guess that message gave my family the first real glimmer of hope that I was still “in there”, somewhere.

I’m sorry for taking such a dramatic turn, but I really want to stress how important writing things down can be. In the next few days I slipped in and out of psychosis (and was admitted to the Mother and Baby Unit of a large psychiatric hospital). I had moments of lucidity when I vainly tried to text back the many well-wishers who were trying to congratulate me on the birth of my first child. I even tried to post the usual new baby Facebook status update. But I couldn’t. My brain couldn’t grasp how to type or form a sentence on a screen. Instead, I relied on my notebook, scribbling notes desperately on breastfeeding times and nappy contents.

Later on in my illness, the notebook took on a new role: as a record of my progress and recovery. So here are a few happier pages: ten days after our final discharge from the MBU (after nearly 3 months), another few weeks on, and on my first Mother’s Day. They are the words of a slightly shell-shocked new mum, but also one who is besotted with her baby, and his development. As I get better, I’m throwing myself into things like play dates, NCT meet-ups and even dinner parties and mini breaks (overcompensating for the baby’s first three months in psychiatric hospital, perhaps?!).

Having these words to look back on, I can be proud of my recovery, but I take nothing for granted.

Kat Grant pregnancy journal 2

Kat Grant pregnancy journal 3

Kat Grant pregnancy journal 4

I would encourage anyone going through a mental illness to keep a journal of sorts. To have a place to record thoughts, fears, important things to remember. When you are very ill, these notes can take the place of your normal memory and cognitive functions. When you are recovering, the words can show you just how far you have come.

For more information on Postpartum Psychosis, a psychiatric emergency which is thought to occur in around 1 in 500 deliveries, please visit APP Network.

You can read my story here.

I blog over at Bumps and Grind and tweet from @katgrant30.

Thank you so much, Kat, for sharing such an emotional and moving post. I’ve always been a huge fan of paper, for the escapism and creativity, but I hadn’t considered it to be quite so powerful before. You have me seeing it in a whole new light, thank you.

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7 thoughts on “What My Pregnancy Journal Means To Me (Guest Post)

  • Jo Winwood

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. This isn’t something I’d heard of and it sounds like a truly terrifying time for you and your family. I’m glad that you are getting better and enjoying your time as a mum.

  • Iona@Redpeffer

    I can’t imagine how frightening that must have been for you all. But seeing your words recorded like that has so much meaning and comfort I think. Like Jocelyn says, it brings a whole new perspective to the importance of pen and paper. Thank you for sharing x

  • Sarah Anne

    What a powerful post on the value of keeping a journal. Thank you Kat for sharing that, I hope your recover continues.

    I have been a depression sufferer for as long as I can remember, and it was journal writing that helped me understand my feelings and what was happening to me. Writing down thoughts helps you find out who you really are, I think…it is something that isn’t encouraged enough by schools etc, but it is a great creative and emotional outlet.

  • Sophie Lovett

    What a powerful post – thank you so much for sharing your story Kat. It’s amazing how powerful writing things down can be. I shudder sometimes when I look back at some of the diary entries I wrote during darker periods of my life, but you’re right that it cannot help but remind you how far you’ve come x

  • Alice Megan

    I can’t even contemplate how scary that must have been for you. I’m completely with you about writing a journal though. When I’m at my lowest with depression just writing things down can help relieve the stress

  • Carol Cameleon

    This is an incredible journey and one that I can relate to. While coming through dark depression years ago, a self-help book I read encouraged writing a journal which involved writing down at least one happy/positive thing each day. It certainly helped me through the relapses/regressions. Should I ever find myself in that hole again (shudders) I will certainly do it again. It helps immensely. Thank you so very much for sharing this. I have retweeted and repinned this because I honestly feel that you’ve hit the nail on the head about putting pen to paper. And thanks Jocelyn for sharing the guest post.